Kiddushin, Daf Lammed Aleph, Part 5

 

Introduction

Some complicated stories of honoring one s parents.

 

רבי טרפון הוה ליה ההיא אמא דכל אימת דהות בעיא למיסק לפוריא גחין וסליק לה וכל אימת דהות נחית נחתת עלויה אתא וקא משתבח בי מדרשא אמרי ליה עדיין לא הגעת לחצי כיבוד כלום זרקה ארנקי בפניך לים ולא הכלמתה

 

R. Tarfon had a mother for whom, whenever she wished to climb into bed, he would bend down to let her ascend; and when she wished to descend, she would step down on him.

He went and boasted about this in the school.

They said to him, You have not yet reached half the honor [due her]: has she then thrown a wallet before you into the sea without your shaming her?

 

R. Tarfon helps his mother get in and out of bed (yup, he s the Jewish Oedipus) and doing so leads him to think he s really the greatest at honoring his parents. He thinks he s so great at it, that he goes and brags in the Bet Midrash. There the other rabbis put him in his place really honoring your mother means not shaming her when she acts crazy in public, even when she causes you a financial loss.

 

רב יוסף כי הוה שמע קל כרעא דאמיה אמר איקום מקמי שכינה דאתיא

 

When R. Joseph heard his mother s footsteps he would say: I will arise before the approaching Shekhinah.

 

R. Joseph literally thinks his mother is like God. One of my sons was like this when he was little wanted nothing to do with me. It s gotten better since then, but he s still not crying out I will arise before the Shekhinah when I come into the room. I m lucky if he looks up from his screen.

 

אמר רבי יוחנן אשרי מי שלא חמאן

רבי יוחנן כי עברתו אמו מת אביו ילדתו מתה אמו וכן אביי

איני והאמר אביי אמרה לי אם ההיא מרבינתיה הואי

 

R. Yohanan said: Happy is he who has not seen them.

R. Yohanan s father died when his mother conceived him, and his mother died when she bore him. And the same thing happened to Abaye.

But is this so. But didn t Abaye say, my Mother told me! That was his foster-mother.

 

This is really one of the saddest portions of the Talmud I know. Honoring one s mother and father is so difficult that it is better not to have known them.

I should say that while honoring one s mother and father is difficult (and has been difficult for me, more than I usually admit), I certainly am happy to have shared so many years with mine, and I hope that my children someday feel the same way about me.

Abaye here claims that he never knew his mother. But elsewhere he frequently quotes his mother. The claim is that she is not his mother, but his foster-mother, the one woman who raised him.

 

רב אסי הוה ליה ההיא אמא זקינה

אמרה לי’ בעינא תכשיטין עבד לה

בעינא גברא נייעין לך

בעינא גברא דשפיר כותך שבקה ואזל לארעא דישראל

שמע דקא אזלה אבתריה

אתא לקמיה דרבי יוחנן אמר ליה מהו לצאת מארץ לחוצה לארץ

א"ל אסור לקראת אמא מהו

א"ל איני יודע [אתרח] פורתא הדר אתא

אמר ליה אסי נתרצית לצאת המקום יחזירך לשלום

אתא לקמיה דרבי אלעזר א"ל חס ושלום דלמא מירתח רתח

א"ל מאי אמר לך אמר ליה המקום יחזירך לשלום

אמר ליה ואם איתא דרתח לא הוה מברך לך אדהכי והכי שמע לארונא דקאתי אמר אי ידעי לא נפקי

R. Assi had an aged mother. She said to him, I want jewelry.

So he made them for her.

I want a husband. I will look for one for you.

I want a husband as handsome as you. Thereupon he left her and went to Eretz Yisrael.

He heard that she was following him. He went to R. Yohanan and asked him, May I leave Eretz Yisrael for abroad? He said back: It is forbidden. He asked further, But what if it is to meet my mother? He answered, I do not know.

He waited a short time and went before him again. He said, Assi you have determined to go; [may] God bring you back in peace.

He then went before R. Elazar and said to him, Perhaps, God forbid, he was angry?

He asked, What [then] did he say to you? He said back, May God bring you back in peace.

He responded, Had he been angry he would not have blessed you . In the meanwhile he learned that her coffin was coming. He said, Had I known, I would not have gone out.

 

What a great and tragic story R. Assi is being pursued by his overbearing mother, who wants to marry a man who looks just like her son (kind of sad). So he runs away to Eretz Yisrael, but she chases after him. He then wants to go greet her, maybe save her some of the difficulty of the travel. But now we have an opportunity to hear of the relative value of honoring one s parents vis a vis remaining in the land of Israel. He gets permission to leave, but before he gets to her, his mother has died. And now he has lost out on both counts he did not get to fulfill the mitzvah of honoring his mother, and he left the land of Israel.

The relationship between parents and children is surely the most difficult relationship of many people s lives.